Another Alcoholic Relapse - for a tragic reason

Oh dear - I have a really heavy heart this time. I've been busy for a while, and had a 5-day holiday in gorgeous South Devon with my so unlucky son Tom, after the Stones' concert mentioned before. The holiday was wonderful - we walked on the cliffs and talked; went on wild beaches, watching the big surf rolling in; visited a 13th century village church we'd been in long ago.. I had a chilly swim in the Atlantic sea. I did not feel my age (63). I cooked us good local food and we stayed in a luxury apartment in Kingsbridge, on all the local bus routes (as I could not drive there). The last time we were both there, my late daughter Alice was with us, walking those cliffs, also with my husband D., in 1997. This time D. stayed home to look after the cats, as dear, sweet Cleo-puss is terminally ill - though she is holding her own (on some pills from the Vet, which help her little appetite).

So what happened? Shortly after we came home, I visited my sister. She dropped the bombshell that my nephew - her then son N., and Tom's cousin, was about to come out as a ... transsexual. I had not had a clue! I was shocked myself. He had been very withdrawn over the pst year. I noticed his hair was much longer - but that is the lads' fashion again. Tom has long hair - but he is "hetero". So N. is now under a girl's name and we must call him "she". I do not yet know his new name. He is about to start hormone treatment - and is now coming up to just 21. He has had counselling and advice for a year, and is doing it all privately. I think he is escaping from deeper problems. He did not play with girls' toys as a younger boy.

I was asked to break the news to my husband D., and Tom. D. took it in his usual way - "so what?" - it was not his business. He could forget it. But Tom totally freaked out - his only male cousin, always a boy, even if sensitive, was changing to - what? Tom's own sexuality felt undermined. He was angry. The next day, after we'd been to church, he said he could not accept it. I said: follow the advice of your AA programme, and back off, detach. It is not our business. Focus on yourself. But he shouted at me, saying I was "preaching" at him. I felt hurt and walked out of the room. Next day he seemed calmer. But all through the week, he said he was struggling to accept this news. On the Thursday we went to visit our late daughter Alice's grave in Oxford - all 3 of us [Tom had not been there since January]. As we sat there, Tom said again he was having trouble accepting N's news - I said again: try to detach. He said he would try... But then the next day he started drinking strong booze again (while I was having a good time at my old University reunion), and by now, after 5 days, is right into it - totally chaotic. Out of any control - I was told by his social workers and penal officers that he risks going back to prison on a breach of his community order [probation].

Last night was the worst. I had been giving a talk locally, on my last trip to Poland - I did not cancel. I got back just before 10 pm (22 hours). We were cooking a quick pizza, when the door was knocked, and in came a 'drowned rat'. Tom was wet from feet to half way up his chest. I think he may have fallen in the local stream at the bottom of the field across the way from us. He also smelt of pee - urine. He went on his bed - we made him strip off all except his damp boxer pants. Then at about 1 am he started freaking out, asking for his cash card which I had removed 3 days ago. We said no, have your chequebook - and all shops and banks were shut. (Of course the machines are open 24 hours.) He kept on until there was a confrontation between him and D. - I also shouted at him. D. then rang the police - maybe an over-reaction... Then 3-4 cop-cars arrived, with a dog handler. Tom had already run out of the house and away, with no shoes on. They even brought in a helicopter - Tom had at one point threatened suicide. That was manipulation! I helped the police search the field and look into a local outhouse. In the end he turned up back at the house - he said he would behave OK, and the police left. No charges were brought, although he had pushed D. over.

We did not get to bed until 3.30 am, and I had to take half a sleeping pill - even then I did not go off straight away. D. is still furious and says T. cannot stay here now - at least in the long run. But I cannot throw him out onto the street in this state. I was phoned by his 2 social workers [1 of them is for drugs/alcohol] about possiblities. He may by now have broken his community order again - he got a spot fine last Friday night, for weeing in a shop-doorway. I used his cash card to pay it off: £80. Today I felt really rough. Last Sunday I made it by car to a new Al-Anon meeting. I was not able to get to my London church as I normally do (went to a local church instead, which was good)- I missed the "Agape" meal tonight also. This afternoon I was trying to rest on my bed when Tom came in again - drunk. Dave got angry, but I managed to calm things down. Now he has gone off out - who knows where? Yet again. Today (due to this) I missed the funeral of an old lady, Gladys, over our road, who sadly died 3-4 weeks ago. She lived alone, was not found for 2 weks - that is awful, but she had become touchy and withdrawn. She was about 90. Some of our neighbours went, and I sent a bouquet of flowers. These were borught back, and are now with others outside the step of her ground floor flat. So sad...

This is a gloomy blog! 9-10 days ago on I was very interested in all the TV programmes about '9/ll'. I watched several, which brought it all back to me. I remember watching it unfold on TV on that day. I couldn't believe it, but later we had terrible bombings in London (2005). I wrote 2 poems about 9/11 and London 7/7 later on. I shall end here - I have to cook for me and Dave. What will tonight bring? Tom is out there somehwere - he may be back in custody in 2-3 days time.

Thanks for reading this - goodnight. Tigey xx