He's leaving Home (has left) - Aftermath and moving on...

Hello readers -

There's been a truly dramatic change in our circumstances since just over a week ago. I think when I last "blogged", Tom had begun drinking again - he then did it for a day and stopped, but went on to resume 4 days later in earnest. That is, he then went into a heavy drinking binge where he was constantly in and out of our local hospital A & E ward. this time he didn't get into trouble with the law, although police picked him up drunk once or twice. He sometimes discharged himself from hospital in freezing cold weather, wearing his coat undone - or even without a coat once, as on one occasion he left an old jacket at the hospital. He also lost a fleece jacket and two jumpers, plus a good pair of jeans which the ambulance rescue staff cut open (to insert a line into his leg). We'd been told that the option of getting him into the mental health ward was not available now, as the hospital found it "not cost effective" (too many alcoholics were being admitted to detox, and then relapsing within weeks).

Twice the hospital offered him detox medication, when we made the effort to go in to be with Tom - when he stayed there long enough. The first time it did not work; Tom just went off and bought more booze. But on the 7th night (when he had come home bleeding, having cut his face open by falling down), we sat with him in hospital until after 4 am, and begged the doctor to give Tom enough detox medication to last him for several days. He gave us enough stronger stuff for over night, and a prescription to get more meds in the morning. (We went back and collected this - despite having had only 4 hours' sleep.) This worked - perhaps this time Tom's guardian angel was there, and his Higher Power (God) was on his case at last. We had also found out from Tom's Probation Officer (and local police) that she was working to get him into a special resettlement hostel, where he would have security and he could finish his detox. He could live there for some months, and eventually be rehoused by our local council - thus becoming independent of us at last. This news gave Tom the motivation to make more effort to stick to his detox regime.

This came as great relief to Dave and me - all else had been tried, and Tom had been kicked out of 2 rehabs before going to prison, etc. He was still binge-drinking, despite all his past "rock bottoms". He always follows a certain pattern - he first gets into undesirable behaviour patterns, feels guilty, and then drinks (anything he can get: spirits, cider or strong lager) to oblivion to blot his pain out. Before long he is in danger of harming himself or another member of the public. The mental health team now diagnose him with a mild personality disorder (one symptom is not learning from his past errors - as most of us would). Tom in fact disagrees with this - he maintains his main problem is alcoholism. We agree with him on the whole.

On the day after Tom began to detox, he was still very shaky and the phone rang, with news that he was to move into the new hostel the NEXT day; Tom found this too sudden, as we'd been told first that it would not be for 6-7 more days. But he accepted it was probably best for him, and he should comply. It is run by the prison and probation service: it is for ex-offenders or young men who have been released from jail, and need help in settling down. No drugs or drink are allowed on the premises - it's a "dry house" - and there is strict security on the door. Further, he has a key worker there, he must sign in and out whenever he leaves, and there's a curfew of 11 pm. He needs permission to stay out (eg. with us) overnight.

After the initial relief and gladness that a safe place was found for Tom, I also suffered very mixed emotions and had trouble in sleeping. Only last night I had a disturbing dream, in which Tom chased me with a knife, and was then hunted by the police! (He has never done such a thing - only been verbally violent.) Tom too was anxious that the hostel might not be pleasant, or work out for him. The probation officer said it was comfrotable and bright. When we took him over there, we got through the heavy entrance security (even with CCTV) and were admitted - at first I thought the place was too austere and clinical, but it was comfortable and indeed secure. We saw Tom's room which he now shares with another young man (who turned out to be black, a little younger, and very pleasant). He was relieved to find he could have his CD player and guitar there, and even maybe his own TV. We saw some good posters upon the walls - that made me happier (those I saw were of Ghandi, Nelson Mandela, and a Native American chief). There is a pool room, 2 TV rooms and a bright, clean dining area.

A few days later we had all recovered, but I've had to come to terms with the fact that Tom has been forced to leave home now - not in his or our time, but in the time set by the authorities - the "system". He does not have the option of returning home to stay (but he may visit, and has now - once). If he breaks the rules at this place (bringing in drink, stealing, or any violence at all), he could well be homeless, or appear before the Courts and go back in prison. He is probably less likely than before to fall out with other residents, as there is no GROUP therapy programme. That always was his weak area - as both his rehab "sackings" happened after a violent incident in a group session. The hostel provides regular individual couselling, which he needs - he responds well to that. I had written in desperation again to our MP (Member of Parliament) to support us in getting better help for Tom - he wrote to all parties involved with Tom, including the specialised Richmond mental health services (which had pulled out before from dealing with him) - at least now we are getting a better response from them, and Tom is back with the Community Drugs and Alcohol Team. And so he should be!!

Last night we drove over to visit him and take some more of his stuff - his CD player, clothes, books, etc. I was pleased to find he was happy enough there - he has made friends, and even already knew one guy who was from AA. The house is only 2-3 miles from here: it is in Kew - a beautiful, pleasant neighbourhood, not far from the famous Kew Gardens and the river side. Crime is probably very low round there (so there'll be few negative influences). My two maiden aunts lived there when I was a child, as did my grandparents on my father's side. There is a small, leafy park up the road, where he has already been to walk and play his guitar. He may keep his bike there - he is collecting that tomorrow. The food is good - he goes out ususally at lunctime becasue he goes to AA or Probation, but has the evening meal before going to another AA. He will return to church meetings on Sunday; he can travel easily to London from there by the "tube". He's already bought some "new" 2nd hand clothes at charity shops (good but cheap) to replace his missing garments. He still needs to buy new training shoes. I had to cut his hair after his drinking binge (as it was so matted), so he now has a new "short-long" style too. He looks well again, only 10 days afterwards. He's finding he has to manage money, as travel fares use quite a lot. He is already rehabilitating himself...

Now Dave and I are once again back to being just a couple - with our 2 cats for company. I have been feeling a real sense of loss (of Tom's company, as our son, on a daily basis) until very recently. Our still new cats, Charlie and Cleo, were a real comfort during our ordeal - they were something to fuss over and take our minds off our pain and trouble. I was not able to visit other people or even go to AA or my church during that bad time - we just had each other. But I did manage to visit my sister H. (the social worker, who lives near us) and share with her; she was really supportive and a great listener, so I'm really grateful to her. It is her birthday next week, and I am giving her some good chocolates and a PC mouse-mat with a beautiful classic cat painting reproduction, plus some small knick-knacks.

Well I have once more run out of time - so will end here. Once more there's a meal to cook. "Easy does it", as AA and Al Anon say (their programme has been such a help to me and Tom recently)... Best wishes and blessings to you all -

Love and peace, Tigey