How's Tom doing in Rehab? Not bad...

Hello - if anyone is reading this.

I have just come back from a long day in Kent and East Sussex, visiting Tom, who has now been in the rehab for 7 weeks or more, and is making progress. This weekend is also our Ruby Wedding (tomorrow - 40 years of marriage) for D. and myself - we were married on August 14th, 1965 - a very Sixties wedding. D. was dressed in a tailor made John Stephen designer 'mod' suit from Carnaby Street, off Picadilly, London, and I wore a frilly knee-skimming pale green with white-embroidered dress, not a wedding dress, bought in London and a Bond Street hairdo. My younger sister H. had bleached blonde hair and wore white, patterned tights with a mini-dress. We were married in a register office in our local borough, Richmond - not a church. Although I am a practising Christian now, I was not then - and D. is still agnostic (not quite atheistic), as he was then. We went on to have a throughly enjoyable party / reception at my mother's large mansion flat by Richmond Bridge, where I was brought up.

Why do I recall all this? Well, today we drove out with Tom from the rehab into Tunbridge Wells, a historic Southern English town, to eat a meal together to celebrate our Ruby Wedding. We wandered though The Pantiles (paved pedestrian area), and found a Mexican restaurant - a cuisine fairly new to us - and as we ate we were soon entertained by the sound of a live Rhythm & Blues band (rock'n'roll type) as we ate out on the pavement. The familiar notes of 1960s R.'n' B. hits drifted towards us - in fact Dave found it rather too noisy and intrusive, though he relaxed after a while. Songs like "Little Red Rooster" and "Hoochie Coochie Man" brough back those days of going to raw 60s clubs in Richmond and London (Eel Pie Island, The Crawdaddy, the 100 Club, the Scene, the Marquee), when I and my friends - then later on with D., heard the Rolling Stones, The Yardbirds, the Moody Blues and Rod Stewart long before they became really big - and too big to be seen live by the likes of us. Many big names (Georgie Fame too, and Black American musicians like Jimmy Witherspoon and Memphis Slim) used to play at the annual Blues and Jazz Festival at Richmond Athletic Ground - this later moved to Reading and became much more famous - only to be eclipsed by Glastonbury by the late 1970s. By then we had small kids and no longer went to festivals or live gigs at all. Now many middle-aged people go to them, reliving their youth - but the prices are too much, it's too tiring and too many of the fans smoke! I could not help drifting mentally back to those old blues mad days - and when I was footloose and fancy free; I did not recognise the band, but they played a storm: I may well have heard some fo them in the far off past.

Tom enjoyed the music - he plays guitar himself, and likes to play the occasional blues riff. He could be good if he overcame his mental demons - including co-operating with other people, and working steadily. His alcohol addiction is much better now - he has been in rehab for 7 weeks, and has now not drunk any booze for just over 3 months - the last time was May 10th. I tested him today by buying myself a glass a of white wine - he made gestures towards it but did not try to drink it; he said he was fairly OK about it. (He will have to mix with people who drink occasionally.) His head must be so much clearer - he is getting into a discipline and able to manage some aspects of his life, like washing his clothes and going out to shop for himself (they do that 1-2 times a week). He finds the whole buisiness of working harder - that is a part of his mental health problem.

At the rehab they can work at their own pace and then take a break, but in real life you have to keep going. He is doing physical work - breaking down pallets, and gardening. He has tried woodwork once, but found that hard; after his chaotic recent past, "work" will take some time for him to sort out. In the afternoons the clients go to their "groups" and therapy work. They do some of AA's 12 steps. He says he feels he does not need to go to AA in addition. He is now thinking about going out for weekends in another 2-3 weeks - and maybe going on a big excursion up to South Wales, in the Brecon Beacons, to go walking. This would be quite an enterprise. I did look up some train times for him on the Web - he'd have to save from his weekly allowance for the ticket price. He could get cheap accommodation through the YHA.

Tom misses our old cat Whitton, who is still alive and with us - going fairly strong, although one of his back legs is very weak. His abdominal lymphoma has shrunk and he has gained weight. Tom hopes to come back the first weekend in September and see Whitton, who 2 weeks after that will be 18 - he might just make that birthday. I will be coming back from my week in Poland on that same weekend - this is now going ahead as my next project: I have bought rail tickets for Gatwick Airport, and some slide film. I will also take my camcorder and digital camera. (3 cameras!) I get visual records for talks to retired people's and other groups, on the places and cultures I visit; I have 2-3 talks booked for the next 9 months. (I will also be going in mid- September for a week in Cornwall to St. Ives with my old friend J. - that is fully booked, including our rail tickets, for which I've advanced the money - she always pays me back. I am sorry that both my trips are so close together, as this makes it difficult for D.) This trip means that I will be missing our church's final big Worship weekend over the August Bank Holiday - that will be a "black mark" for me with some of the elders; I will have to try not to double-book any of the church weekends in future. (To the leaders I may be sliding back into "the World's" clutches: I would be "too independent" - when they hear of it.)


I was slightly alarmed about the strikes at Heathrow Airport just recently - these could have spread to Gatwick, and I could have ended up stranded, with the holdiay in Poland ruined. Hoepefully the strikes now will be settled by the following fortnight when I leave. I feel sorry for those people affected by it now, like a Canadian woman who could not get to her relative's funeral in time. This is very sad. True, some workers are underpaid, and the dispute is a tricky one. I hope the unions will sort it out.

Time to close things down again. D. is doing his usual evening thing of hassling me about the food we will be eating, even though we have already eaten out earlier on. He found a pot of fish paste has "gone off" in the fridge. I just have to be patient. (40 years of marriage gives some experience...)

Goodbye for now - at least the recent period (after late July) in London has been more peaceful. I have been getting more out of going to Al Anon meetings - have now been to 6, which is recommended. They sell literature and lend library books: people share on their experiences and we all learn from them. I have shared about Tom's drinking and how it's affected me, plus previous issues in my life (eg. my father's problems that led to his sudden death). We must develop boundaries and balance - and need to take things "one day at a time". It does help us not to worry so much, and to avoid stress. Just looking after ourselves, to be able to help others (such as "the alcoholic in our life").

That's all now. Love & peace, Tigey.