Another Tough Time (Mental Illness + Sick Cat) but working it out

Hello again-

I have recently been posting pictures of ourselves and our cat to cheer myself up. I also retrieved my Website (myadventures) on Wanadoo from last year - and have added a page of my poems (mostly inspired by my late daughter Alice, other tragedies eg. '9/11', and loss - but some on travel and hope). It has been a really difficult time: I have almost lost it - ie. my own sanity - a few times. Tom this time took a very long time to settle down in the mental health ward; his detox was very tough - so much so, that after 3 days in there he broke out, when someone else came through the locked door. He already knew that people had got out of there! As a voluntary patient, he is theoretically entitled to go out, but in reality he was then not well enough - in fact he headed straight back to our own neighbourhood and drank heavily again, once more ending up in local hosptial A & E, and then - fortunately - was transferred back by ambulance to Pagoda Ward by the end of that day. I had been telephoning frantically to police forces and hospitals locally, even in Richmond Park; also fearing that he may have run away into the darkest woods of that vast area and decided to end it all, or disappeared off into the streets of central London.

I was beside myself with anxiety and fear; D. was almost resigned... And I was the one that had to do all the phoning - I had to keep it together. Inevitably, I had to cancel another one of my talks (on India and tigers, to a pensioners' group) due that week. Then by a kind of miracle, early the very next day Tom began to have a clearer head and response to his treatment. Our JF Church sisters had been praying together to God, interceding for us the night before - maybe that did have an effect. From the middle of that night on, he made progress. D. and I were already considering something we had not tried before - to dig deep into our savings and spend money on getting Tom better. There is a big private hospital called The Priory - where UK popstars and pretty rich people go - for rehab and psychiatric treatment. In there he can get intensive treatment within the 12-step programme as used in AA - something that seems unavailable on the NHS. He did go in a rehab before - it followed some of these principles; but sadly he did not fit in witht he other clients; it was in a rough area, and with poor facilities.

So we were looking at an appointment with The Priory next week (but have since changed to consedering another, Christian rehab), and Tom is recuperating. We are considering Christian rehabs, but some of them don't do the 12-step programme. One of my friends says what we have been going through is like "Groundhog Day". I see her point - it all goes round and round... I now want it to stop; I need to have a break. This week I have been trying to catch up again. I managed to do a big 3-hour lecture session yesterday (using video - which breaks it up) on Offender Profiling (of serial murder etc.) for Birkbeck College FCE - I had a big intro from my Head of Dept, S.P., who played ne up as a "star lecturer" - I am not so, really! but I did receive an award for Sessional Lecturers earlier this year.

On top of all this - poor old Whitton, our aged ginger cat (see photos of him on here) who is now 17, went rapidly downhill in his health just as Tom was on the run. He went to the vet's for his monthly checkup and was found to have an aggressive lymphoma in his abdominal area. He had been acting oddly - not coming in for hours - and eating almost nothing for a week. He got much thinner over the past month; he was already thin from kidney disorder, which was already being treated. We had to leave him at the vet's for 4 days - they did a biopsy, then kept him for observation and to start the chemotherapy he needs now. He was too weak at first to come home. We collected him back 3 days ago - he was staggering about, and miaowing to go out and in frustration, but he was too weak to go anywhere. The next day we started having to give him about 4-5 pills a day plus a tonic: these will go down to 3, then 2, then 1 or 2 after 10 days. He also had to go back every week for injections of "chemo" - in addition to the pills. He's regaining some strength in his legs now - he's much better today, but we haven't yet been able to let him out. We were advised by the vet that he is too weak as yet; if he does go out, we have tos top him going out of our own garden. So far he's not well enough. There are foxes outside, often in our garden that could finish him off - if left out at night. He has to come in at evening to have his repeat doses of pills.

He had been very sweet though - he still loves us and responds, coming on D.'s lap. He's getting better daily, and eating more of the special food they have given him, so I hope he will get most of his quality of life back within another week or two. We would like to give him most of this summer to enjoy the outdoors and his home. His prognosis of life is for only up to 6 months anyway; perhaps he'll make it to 18 (early September). There is a chance he may be too weak to carry on, but we would like time to say goodbye to him over these weeks... He can slowly wind down here, and in his own space. He is in his element in the outside world of our garden and the one next door, where he rules the territory like a small tiger. I said as much, below his photo below. He still thinks he owns it all! He has always bossed about next door's cat Jack (his tabby friend, half his age); at other times they just lie close together in the sun... (Amended on May 21st '05)

Well, that is the end of this entry - I've run out of strength and time! You are welcome to try my website (details above) - I was in a happier, more positive space when I wrote most of it; I enjoyed doing the design and entries. My poems about Alice (my late daughter) were written over a 5-year period since her death; I wrote other poems on places I've visited, and some relating to the fear and danger of alcoholism (since Tom's got worse). D. had been to visit Tom and drive him out to walk in Richmond Park, and to an AA meeting - I had to stay in and keep an eye on Whitton. On other days since, I have managed to get out, but have to be careful not to let Whitton out as we let ourselves in. I managed to put washing out in the garden the other day while he was asleep.

I hope you will find things here have improved soon - and me feeling stronger again. Meanwhile I have managed to keep my head above the waters, just... (Thanks to God).
Once again - thank you for reading this - I hope it does not sound too dismal. May you have peace today and also in the coming months... Keeping my spirits up -

Love and all good wishes, Tigey