So, What went Wrong? - my Son Drunk again!

Hello anyone -

Things had for about 5 weeks been getting a lot better again with us. Last time here I felt free to write about the UK General Election (the campaign still goes on, getting nastier)! Also I was beginning to look foward to a late August holiday abroad (walking in the Polish mountains and forests, studying the wildlife) and two or three much shorter breaks. Tom was doing quite well. He had been going along to the therapeutic Lancaster Lodge in Richmond once a week, where he was hoping to move in (is hoping?). Today, or so I thought, he went off on his mountain bike to nearby Kingston, to an AA meeting; he had SEEMED OK earlier on. He was not home by the time I had to go up to London to see some students, but on my way home I rang D., and heard Tom was still not back - 3 hours too late.

Anyway, D. and I were worrying and also getting angry. About 9.30 pm there was a knowck at the door - just as we were sitting down to eat a pizza, a bit late. It was Tom, dead drunk again - he staggered upstairs. Both D. and I lost our tempers with him. I spoke sharply and Dave also led off, calling him a few names. But Tom did not take any of it it in - you could have said anything to him! I left him there and had my meal; then went back up and searched through his pockets, to see where he had been and take his house keys. He had about £50 on him, plus the keys and a receipt for cheapo, strong white cider from Kingston Sainsbury's, plus a Starbucks coffee house sugar bag. I guessed he had been to the AA, then gone for a coffee - then got fed up and gone off to drink. His new bike is locked up problably (I hope) somewhere in Kingston - near the church hall, or by the Starbucks in the centre.

Before Tom came back, I searched around in his room to find any clues as to his state of mind. He had cried off from our church Agape meal last night - he'd said he was too tired, after a busy day (that was true). Why was this, really? Was it fear of conviction of guilt (from being with other, godly people)? He always writes out scruffy biro'd prayers on an A4 lined notepad; the last ones were all muddled, and broken up, deteriorating into just lines across the page. That is a sign he is not in a good state. He says "Please help me_______ (to stay sober today, or to stay sexually clean)". When he is in a bad way, his handwriting breaks down. I also found several phone numbers of "wrestling" prostitutes in his drawer - that is what he's into... - and the address of a gym in Holborn. He does NOT have a healthy attitude to "keep fit"! (After all, I do that myself sometimes - or used to.) It's because of the lycra clad lovelies and "body building babes"... not the older ladies with saggy bums and boobs, the beer-bellied men, or the possibly gay male body builders. Also, a few days ago he told me he was worried again about having money in his bank account. The last time he paid it all over to me, but then his social security payment came in again soon after he'd seen to it. There had not been time for me to collect a cheque off him again. He may have used some of it today or earlier to go to use internet cafes, if not actually to visit one of these women (as he has done in past years - that wastes about £100). I do not let him have access to my PC - I hide the interface lead: but the user history had lists of several of these horrid 'sexy' websites from when he last managed to use it (I forgot to hide the lead about 7 weeks ago, and he came down and used it over night). I deleted them.

I don't know why he has got like this over sexual matters - he feels very guilty about these internet and related sexual activities, and then he drinks. He is also deceitful about what he does. The guilt is because of his Christian faith, as to a born again Christian (which he is), any such thoughts or actions are sinful and wrong. I believe this myself. But he once used to have a healthier outlook, and just tried to get a normal girlfriend, which did not happen for him (though he is quite good looking, when sober). And D. is quite open about sexual things; he thinks little of this stuff is wrong if you are a young, unmarried man. Tom is masochistic - I won't say too much on it. He probably wants to be punished in more ways than one. D. is finding all this very hard again, and I was hoping for a quieter life...

I had been worrying about D's overall health - he is thinner: his memory and concentration are not at all good; he gets confused and recently forgot to turn the gas off (burning food). I recently got him to see our doctor, but the doc. just put up his anti-depressants from a low dose. I have read abourt Alzheimer's (or dementia) in youngish elderly people. D. is 63 - he is not too young to have it. He has lost much of his self respect; he is more and more reclusive and has little confidence. He is still OK at driving the car and shopping, though; and still has other powers! He says these chaotic drinking episodes with Tom are just hammering him down even more. They are destroying his mind, and ability to cope. I just about manage. I went back to driving lessons and was doing well, after a 6 week gap (this as due to TOm, and the recent cold, wet weather too). I had not forgotten it. I am concerned that in another few years, I will be having to care for D also - I had hoped for a few years from being 60-ish (now, as I am retiring) to 75, when I could enjoy life, travel, and do other interesting things - plus serve my church and the community.

I wonder where this will lead this time? Maybe Tom will pull out of it before it descends into another bout of mental hospital treatment. D. was saying he wants out re. Tom this time - but he won't stick to that. Tom has to stop now, or he may throw away his place due to start at Lancaster Lodge. D. says he will never get better. He was doing well - the help he was getting had improved, and I was a bit more hopeful. Finally - these next few days are the anniversary of our late daughter's death. Alice died 5 years ago on May 3rd - Tom knows that, and that we remember! I want to be able to remember her ont hat day in pease. Last year also, I was not able fully to focus on Alice because Tom was off the rails and drinking. This 5-year mark is important - a landmark, when we are moving on from the severe shock of her death. We should'nt be having more, ongoing grief to dog us now. This is what D. cannot take. His mind was already badly damaged by losing dear Alice. I somehow got over it and have moved forward: partly through my Christian faith, and by having an ability to channel grief creatively into writing and talking about it, writing poetry, taking photos and compiling albums, arranging various memorials, travelling, meeting and talking with people - anything, even doing this blog! But Tom's trouble (alcoholism and mental instability) is wearing me down too - I am resisting and coping, but how much longer can I go on doing so??

Anyway that is it. I shall still vote (Lib. Dem.) on May 5th, and remember our lovely, gifted daughter Alice in the evening (7pm, when she died) on May 3rd. Our old ginger cat Whitton is still going on - but not very strong now: he needs much care and walks more slowly. Thank you for reading if you have been. I hope I have better news about Tom by next week - and that our life will stabilise again. Also that your own is going on OK...

Love and peace, Tigey