Thoughts today - a troubled life!!

Welcome to my blog - I hope you do not find it all depressing, though my first posting is not too happy.
I am British, a white, university educated (social sciences), married woman aged 61, living in outer London - not that exciting so far. I lived through the 1960s, college radicalism, CND, hippydom, etc - but now am going through a late, sad experience of family life that has been almost shattered by various blows. I have a Christian faith, acquired in later life, which helps me to deal with life's blows and usually have a degree of optimism despite it all. The disturbed state of this world - wars, crime etc - adds to the darkness of my surrounding experience - but which i can usually overcome!

I have been married for about 39 eyars - quite an achievement- but our children have been a source of much loss and disappointment (after earlier happiness and enjoyment). We have - or had - two. Our geologist daughter Alice born in 1972, and our struggling son Tom (Thomas) born in 1975. Today our daughter is not with us - she was killed in a Landrover crash while working as a BGS geologist in Scotland (the Highlands) in 2000, aged 27 - a terrible waste of a lovely, creative life (in one who was very successful - more on her later). My mother died in 2001 aged 89, a year after my daughter - she had lived a long adn fruitful life, but had known sadness (divorce in the 1950s, then loss of her grand-daughter.) I did not feel her loss so much as my daughter's - to lose a child is just not comparable with losing a parent at the "right time".

My son Tom (now nearly 29) has had problems all his life - always a slightly strange character, he was bullied at school, and since he was 20 or so has had a big struggle with alcohol: drinking too much, bingeing and in recent years has become truly alcoholic. He now goes to AA, but he is still losing the battle so far (the longest he's gone without drinking in the pst 2 year s is 5 months; with AA it has been 3-4 months). At present, as I write, he is off on a "bender" and we don't know where he is, Somewhere in London. He lives at home with as now - so we can help him, but it means we don't have much freedom to do our own thing, though I try to when I can. (I have travelled abroad much more in recent years - and do a lot with my church, which takes me away from home - also I teach criminology part time for London University.) My husband has rather given up on it all - he retired several years ago (early, in 1986-7, from F.E. teaching in economics and sociology) - and now has little interest in life outside our own issues (he does adore and look after our very old cat, Whitton).

We are currently waiting for news of our son - it's a quiet early Sunday morning... and a beautiful hot sunny day. He was up in north London yesterday trying to contact us, but too drunk to get far with it. He had lost his mobile phone and his anorak jacket, and had been sleeping rough somewhere in Camden or Islington for 2 nights. Now the 3rd night has just gone by. The police were told - we reported him missing yesterday. Not the day before, as it was his voluntary choice to go off - but he's now been 2-3 days without his medication, for depression and other symptoms - if he does not have this soon he will have bad withdrawal symptoms. This will make him want to drink again - and he tends to get paranoid. He may be "hiding" now from the police - las t time he said they were "after" him. We can't get on with our normal things at all today. I had to cancel going to my church (in central London) to be here in case thephone rings.

Therefore I should not be on the "web" now, as someone may be trying to get though by phone - my husband is still in bed, as it's 8.30 am! (He would not agree to my doing this...) So I have to sign off, and add more another time. I hope I will be able to say my son - Tom - has been found. We will then, once more, have the job of helping to "sort him out " - he is under care of the local mental health service, and goes to alcohol counselling. These usually keep him going... He is training locally in horticulture, although he got a degree in Social Sciences at Swansea, Wales - but he can't get on with normal white collar work. He has only done casual jobs, and the work he liked best was gardening.

If you read this, be there for us - wish us well, and if you are a believer in God (Christian or other faith) please pray for us, that we find Tom and can then have some peace. Also that Tom is safe - there is so much danger out on the streets; we fear this each time it happens.

Another time I may something about my personal interests - creative and intellectual, plus my beliefs (poetry writing, writing, academic work, photography, Christianity, political, ecological, etc). I used to be a Labour activist, but stopped after T. Blair! I went on wildlife and nature tours to India and Slovakia in the last 2 years (2003 and 2003) and can say things about those trips - real adventures - in future.

Thanks for reading this - love and best wishes, "Tigey"

(This name is chosen, because I am a tiger fan - it's our cat's nickname.)