Resolution - now we face the consequences of demon drink

Hello again, if you've been following my threads. (This is my 3rd posting.)

This is the next day, after our latest family nightmare "ended" - you recall, my son Tom (28) was missing somewhere in n. London after having gone off on a drinking (alcohol) binge 3-4 nights ago. Tom rang us while we were asleep, at nearly 5 am British time. He had to ring twice. It turned out he had made it back yesterday from central London to Richmond by train, but had then gone off again for another drinking bout, so never got home. He looked awful - but we have seen this before, in fact last time (5 weeks ago). His white jeans were muddy, his face puffy, hair matted, his once white T shirt filthy, adn blue shirt stained from where he had been lying - grass, dog mess - whatever.

His nervous state was bad - he almost straight away asked me for a tranquilliser, to help him "detox" (that was why we still had some, form last time). He needed another an hour or so later. Once he was home, he could not settle down. He had a drink of fruit juice, then some cereal, then went to his room. But when I tried to go back to sleep to snatch a few more hours, I heard him talking. I first thought he was praying - as he's also a Christian - but he was downstairs, using my PC, going on the internet and making a call (I normally hide the interface to the web, to stop him using it). He was only contacting a series of dodgy websites! He carries so much guilt about this, that he feels bad and then drinks to smother it. It's one of the motivations for his drinking - others are general depression, and feeling he wants the buzz of it (as other lads do it).

When confronted about his, he switched the PC off, and I removed the lead. Shortly after this he was a very contrite and upset. He says he wants forgiveness, and also from God. He watched part of a Jesus video we have, and read a few words of the Bible and Common Prayer book. Then he mentioned the parable of the Prodigal Son - yes it does apply to him, but we have been through the parental "welcome back" sequence so many times in the last 8 years. For the original biblical son, it was once, although after many years of absence.

Now he has gone a bit quieter, and is trying to sleep. He phoned a "brother" in the church, who used to be alcoholic - I think that helped. This guy has been a good listening ear and support for Tom before. He wants to back to AA - maybe tonight, but am not sure if he is well enough. I hope to go tonight to the group for famiies of drug and alcohol users at Tom's hospital , which I have a ttaended recently - after a long gap. I used to go a few years ago, and then we managed without it - I was too busy to go, and my husband could not make the effort. (He never thought it made much difference to him - he has less faith in counselling or therapy groups, etc.).

I have not yet switched my mind off, but have been up since about 5 this morning - as after I was an hour later disturbed by Tom I never could get back to sleep. I now feel like death warmed up.The trouble with all this is that it completely takes over one's life. There are other things going on in the world. There is the news - I've hardly got time to listen to it on the radio or read the paper. There are other people in society (and my own circle) to consider. I need to clean the house, but have first to try and soak out and scrub Tom's dirty clothes. I've been on the phone to doctors and the hospital. AA say that relatives shouldn't do these things for alcoholics (because you are collaborating in their habit), but the alternative is that his clothes would remain filthy, and stink the place out. It is not that I am fussy - the house is always pretty messy - papers and stuff everywhere. But I don't like it to smell - and am basically fairly hygienic. There is also the question of "moral hygiene" - I am not puritan, but I (as a woman and Christian, once a strong feminist) do not want my own personal PC used for accessing websites of a dubious sexual or deviant nature. If the men in my house want to do that they must go to an inernet cafe and pay. (My husband does not, as he is a technophobe, not into IT, a bit if a 'luddite' - he cannot use a PC, and leaves all that to me and Tom).....

I HAVE JUST FOUND HE HAS TAKEN £3 (which was his money) OUT OF MY PURSE AND HAS JUST WALKED OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR. He said he would be back "in a few minutes." But it looks like he is off to do some more drinking. Husband ticked me off for leaving the money there - I just was not quick enough to react, after 4 hours sleep only!!. And I thought Tom was safely resting upstairs. We cannot police him all the time - if this goes on - maybe he will just have to get on with things in his way, and I will get on with my own life. May God help him and forgive him - he keeps turning our efforts back on us, so they go for naught.

This is now likely to go on again, and Tom may disappear again. His case is almost hopeless, it seems - one can't stop him in what he decides to do, even if it's destructive of himself. My husband always blames me if I am not several steps ahead, and I cannot always be. AA say the relatives of drinkers should not even attempt this. So, the nightmare continues.

I was feeling more optimistic, till now. I feel like escaping from here myself. (I secretly plan to go away for a short holiday abroad in October - 5 days in Vienna!.) My husband (D.) and I have just had a furious argument about all this , as I left the money inmy purse,a nd did not hide it! Now Tom has just phoned to say he may come back - I offered him a tranquilliser if he did notd rink. We will see what happens next... (He has not yet come back in - he may change his mind yet again.)

Cheerio, in haste -
Tigey